So here we go. I’m just typing words and will be just as curious as you are to see where this goes. I’m doing this now because I’m just not cut out to be a big fat liar. I promised in my last post that I would make sure to touch base at least once a week. Well technically, this is the last day of the second week of my “Back to Blogging” program. So I’m typing words. And it’s deja vu… it feels like college, when I would wait until the night before a paper was due before I started it. Back then, I’d just start writing and see where it took me. Mostly it took me to a B and I was always surprised that I was able to craft something out of nothing and still have it worthy of a B. I don’t know if that means I was a closet “good student” or if I was a blatant bullshit artist, but a B was a B.
I have lots of thoughts these days. Three hours of driving each day leaves lots of time for thinking. I’ve determined that for over a year, my life has been a very odd, even for me. I’ve always been a proponent of having fun jobs. And in some ways I still do have a fun job. But the environment in which I work is toxic. I’ve been working with predominantly women for the past 20 years. But before that I worked with all men. Men have a different way of doing things. Their basic code is that if you can’t eat it or screw it, then pee on it. I understand that…I can work with that..and I think I kinda subscribe to that. So the complexity of women can be daunting.
Luckily, until this last career move, I’ve always worked with women who just let me be me and let me do my job. It always worked out well. Now I’m in a situation where there is a lot of that “she said” – “she said” crap that I used to read about in Cosmo. For the first time in my life, I know what those articles were all about. They were about working with hormonally driven people who don’t say what they mean or mean what they say…or even speak the truth with any degree of accuracy, thus bringing me to the realization that whatever is said is always going to bite me on the ass. I recently learned that, “this isn’t Alexandra’s little comedy show.” Which unfortunately is always going to be wrong. No matter how much I try to reel it in, I AM the show so if I’m there, the show is gonna happen! So now what?
I’m not ready to retire and can’t afford to just quit yet, so I’m having a hard time with just being me these days. It’s the first time I’ve ever had people not like me and not “get” me, and I don’t much care for it. I even have bouts of considering that maybe I am doing it wrong. But I just keep coming back to the realization that I’ve been pretty successful at life thus far. I’m an independent, self reliant woman. It’s not that I’m not a “team player”…I’ve just always played on my own team. I’ll pinch hit for ya, but I’m in it for me. It’s a job, not a family. I don’t need balloons on birthdays, group lunches and more people to gift at Christmas. I don’t really give a rat’s ass about making things good for anyone who won’t make things good for me! I just want to show up, start working, craft it into a good experience for my client, collect my money and go home. That’s how it works in the real comedy shows. That’s also how it seems to work in the real world. Right?
The touchy feely crap is what people use when the ability to take the bull by the horns and call the shots is not not a viable skill set. And when that happens, you’re trying to to craft something out of nothing. Unfortunately, if you don’t have the skills to manage someone like me, than you probably don’t have the innate ability to craft something out of nothing. So not only will you miss getting the “B,” you’ll end up with something that I can’t eat or screw…and if you paid attention, you know what I’ll do next.