Hurricane Sandy is ME!

OK, Boys and Girls, I’m back.  I’ve forced myself to lay off clacking away on my keyboard because I didn’t want to whine.  There comes a point in the old cancer game when the lack of income and insurance makes for an ugly life.  I never expected that to happen to us, but apparently it could, would and did.  Yuck.

Good news, I got my old job back.  I’m starting next week as a big-shot designer again, only in Orlando this time.  Finally, Steven feels more confident that he might live because I only have to wait 90 days to get my insurance back.  And, I think he’s hoping that I will spend some nights in Orlando with Alexis rather than driving back and forth every day.  So, without me around all the time, I know he’ll remember how much he likes me! Once he misses me and after he realizes he’s going to get rid of the diseased cells that are eating away at his sense of humor, he will eventually go back to normal… So that’s me in a nutshell!  Just sayin’…to fill in the blanks in blog entries for the past 6 weeks.  Not looking for sympathy, concern or nuthin’…just sayin’!

Now lets talk cancer and hurricanes.  Believe it or not, I can see a similarity.  Both wreak  havoc with your life, both come relatively unexpectedly and both can be either REALLY serious or fizzle into an inconvenience.  Unfortunately, you never know which way it’s going to turn until the last minute…meaning you could be standing there with your pants down right in the path of something devastatingly bad!

I’ve already admitted that after Steven’s Stage 4 large B-cell non-Hodgkins lymphoma adventure, I became pretty snobby and touchy when someone whined about having cancer…the kind that the dermatologist scrapes off with TOUNGE DEPRESSOR!  I know the word “cancer” is scary no matter how it rears it’s head on one’s body.  And I do know that, left untreated, any cancer can be life threatening.  But…and this is a really big BUT…if you haven’t lost 50 pounds in a month, puked at the smell of coffee or needed Turtle Wax to wash your hair…quit whining for now, you big baby!

So, with that in mind, let’s piss of some more people and talk hurricanes!  Florida takes a pretty big kick in the head from the rest of the country when it comes to the joke front.  We are considered backwoods, hillbilly-ish, redneck idiots by lots of high profile yappers who have the attention of the followers gotten through their high-profile positions. (chelsea handler).  What most forget is that the state of Florida is transplant central when it comes to diversity.  Most of our residents are FROM someplace else, so when you (chelsea handler) make fun of Florida, you’re really making fun of all those NY, NJ, PA, ect. transplants who just decided to stop putting up with daily crap. (And who are probably your relatives!)

That being said, those of us who have been transplants for so long (30 years for me), that we consider ourself Floridians, we try to be patient with you damn Yankees.  Until you start showing your stupid side.  So, the Northeast is shivering in their shoes about Hurricane Sandy.  Here are a few tips, even though I know that by the nature of your geographic location, YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. But..
TAPE WINDOW Oswald Felleres in AP PhotoJulio CortezTAPE? WTF is that going to do.  Tape is what recent Yankee newbies use until we locals show them the errors of their ways!  Any idea what taping windows does? It holds the glass together so that instead of small shards coming though your living room, you just might hit the IDIOT LOTTO and have a 4 foot glass scalpel decapitate you!  

Mark Palazzolo boards up AP PhotoWayne ParryHow about this, Sparky…BOARD UP! Don’t get into a pissing contest with us on endurance!  You may be impressed and amused by your fortitude in having multiple hurricanes that have passed through your neighborhood. By your record, it looks like you had Isaac in 2003, Irene in 2011 and Sandy in 2012.  WOW! Whoop-Dee-Freakin’-Doo! What a testament to your resilience…by the way, can you see my tongue in my cheek? No? Then how about taking a gander at the photos below to show REAL resilience. (And one more thing, Einstien, the sandbags only work IF THE DOOR IS CLOSED!)
Frances Ivan Charley JeanMeanwhile, back in Florida, these hurricanes all took place in 2004 within weeks of each other, and both the plywood and the building “keep on keepin’ on”!

If you can’t read it, its says:  GO AWAY

1. Charlie

2. Frances

3. Ivan & Jeanne

4. Sale

Now THAT’S funny!
Florida Boards windowsWe try to take it with a grain of salt, batten down the hatches and roll with the punches. We’re used to y’all making fun of us, using Florida as the punchlines to your jokes and pretending that you don’t rush down here for Spring Break!  Floridians just make the best of it and know that even a shitty day in Paradise is better than a urine scented subway ANY DAY!

So with the very real concern that your subways will be flooding (and washed clean of the urine…and hopefully take the smell with it) we who do this regulary are actually saying a prayer for you.  Although you don’t know this, we really do care about you and don’t wish a hurrican on anyone  So to the bully who always busts our statewide ass, be safe, be strong and know this little snippet that we’ve learned over the years…

JIM CANTORE NO LONGER PUTS HIMSELF IN THE WORST PART OF THE STORM…that’s left for the new kids on the block…He’s now in the NY subway, so watch out New Jersey and Connecticut!



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