Steven Harp…Tough Guy?

STEVEN SLEEPING OFF CHEMO & MISSY SLEEPING BECAUSE THAT'S HER JOB!

STEVEN SLEEPING OFF CHEMO & MISSY SLEEPING BECAUSE THAT’S HER JOB!

When you take care of a loved one and stand by him through an illness that is as debilitating and, yes, humiliating as lymphoma, your relationship is strengthened in a way that supersedes all guidelines of your previous bond.  Wow!  Not only is that a mouthful, it sounds pretty highfalutin…so much so that you may think it’s crap!  Surprisingly though, it’s true.  Cancer treatment is debilitating, sometimes so energy sucking for sicko during the days following chemo, that other than short trips to the toilet for a quick barf, an entire week can pass in bed.  And the side effects of the chemo also bring on other bodily humiliations that I’m not going to revisit, other than saying that the barfing is one of the more pleasant aspects of side effects!

Sept. Lymphoma Awareness monthSo with that being said, I have to admit that in the 16 years since we married, Steven and I have forged incredibly honest and straightforward views of each other.  We’ve seen it all and done it all.  In addition to the lovey-dovey stuff, we’ve held each other’s hands during moments of fear, pain and humiliation.  We’ve rubbed medication on bodily areas usually only shown and used in porn and have been medically forced to have discussions in public places, WITH OTHERS, about things that can barely be whispered at home in the dark!  The result is that I know absolutely that we love each other.  No matter how crazy things seem, I’m still nuts about him!  Without question, I know he loves me, he lets me know everyday either through his actions or words.  So there is NO freakin’ need for him to blow smoke up my ass!  

Yesterday, while I was out walking with the dogs, I left him alone in the backyard with a pole saw, trash can and an overgrown wilderness of white bird of paradise trees, swaying walls of bamboo and enough bougainvillea to landscape the entire city of Savannah, Georgia.  What can I say?  My husband is an over-planter who sometimes has to pay for his addiction.  I’ve tried, but I can’t get him to space out the vegetation any more than I can get him to cut back on the number of new things he plants each spring.  So rather than wasting time trying to get him into a 12 step program, I have settled for 1 step.  “Get out there and prune that mess, Tarzan!  The dogs have no room to run!

BACK YARD LANDSCAPEWHITE BIRD TREES

When I got home with my two huffing and puffing girl dogs, I ran into a neighbor who followed me into my front yard to chat.  The girls and I were politely trying to make haste into the house to rehydrate before we passed out.  When out of nowhere, Steven appeared and joined in the conversation.  He immediately began blah, blah blah-ing to our neighbor about what a wonderful, patient, caring, loving wife I have been over the years.  As with any other wife reading this now, I’m sure the hair on the back of your neck is standing up just like mine was yesterday.  I know he could see that we needed a fast dose of air conditioning and ice water, yet he continued to ramble.  Something smelled rotten in Denmark…and it was so stinky that I could smell it in the front yard!  Steven happily and frequently declares his devotion to me in front of others, but it’s never out of the blue in a weird stalker-like way.  And THIS was weird…seriously weird!

The truth will set you free.  And the truth always comes out.  And Steven can’t sit on information for very long without cracking like an egg.  So mere seconds after blowing all that smoke up my ass, and while our neighbor was still present as a witness to anything that might follow, he was singing like a canary!  “I cut the internet cable…we have no internet…they’ll try to send an emergency guy out but we may have to wait until tomorrow.”  And…There it is!  It was finally out and I could feel the smoke stop blowing.
Bra holster firearmMy take away from this is amusing to me as I hope it will be to you, as well.  After all we have been through, after all we’ve weathered together, after all the seemingly close brushes with death where I held him close to give him hope…he’s still a little afraid of me!  How awesome is that?  What a great surprise.  We are equals, but with me being just a little more equal than him!  AHHHHH!  I still got it!  I can hear the angels singing!  

Steven is a strapping 6’6” hulk of a man who considers himself a “street fighter” when it comes to doing battle.  HIs hero is John Wayne and he’s not in touch with his “feminine side” because he doesn’t have one.  Although I know he’s a gentle giant, there are a LOT of people who find his imposing figure scary.  Yet he felt the need to take cover behind the retired school teacher across the street before fessing up to his oopsy!  I LOVE THAT!  And it makes me laugh!

CABLE GUYThe emergency repair man came at about 7 PM last night and put a bandaid on the slice. Steven has texted me from work a zillion times to check on me.  Maybe it’s because the power went to my head.  Even though I wasn’t upset about the internet line (we have iPhones, so I was still connected!) my newfound knowledge that I could still evoke fear in him had gone to my head.  As he was leaving for work I kissed him goodbye and softly whispered in his ear, “If AT&T doesn’t get this fixed permanently today, I’ll knee you so hard in the testicles that when you open your mouth you’ll have three uvulas.”  OMG, how horrible…how disgusting…how violent!  And how f-ing funny is that little visual. He laughed, I laughed and we kissed again, with me being happy to know that I STILL GOT IT!

To anyone who doesn’t understand, you haven’t been married, or married long enough.  To anyone who does understand, a marriage only works for the long haul if the partners are equal.  But every one who understands “equal” knows there is “equal” and “just a tad more equal”…and right now, today…THAT’S ME!  

And if this doesn’t make you smile…you can BITE ME!  Today, I’m smiling enough for all of us!
TEARS RUN DOWN MY LEG

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