Circus of the Stars

I was about to check my e-mail when I got side tracked by Yahoo News.  Recently, I’ve been having trouble with all the disturbing stories and have been trying to avoid reality.  With all the negative election stories, the Middle East, Libya, the economy and the rest of the crap that bombards us like shrapnel, it’s overwhelming.  But all it took was one little photo to get me thinking…
Lindsay Lohan-yahooLINDSAY LOHAN – This babe needs to be in charge of the unemployment problem in our country.  She’s amazing! Her resume reads like a “WANTED” poster and when she has a gig she can barely show up for work…yet she keeps getting jobs.  I don’t know what the rest of the United States is doing wrong but somehow this Einstein knows something that the rest of us don’t.  Let’s make her do her community service for the entire country, rather than just allowing her to suck up our air.

MUG SHOT

MUG SHOT

CHARLIE SHEEN – I don’t know if he can solve the entire healthcare issue, but I do know that he knows how to get an Rx any time, any place and any kind! He needs to be in charge of the Prescription Drug Program.  Or in charge of the legalization of marijuana at the very least!  It would be EPIC!  Talk about WINNING….

Kim KardashianKIM KARDASHIAN – This one needs to be put in charge of the economy.  She’s made millions with a few overpriced boutique stores, a sex tape and a couple of bad marriages.  Talk about pulling a rabbit out of your butt!  She’s just what the country needs to make a profit on nothing.  The US will be back on top in a year with a surplus of funds, pouty lips and an ass-load of Twitter followers

MEL GIBSON - MUG SHOT

MEL GIBSON – MUG SHOT

MEL GIBSON – This guy needs to go to the Middle East.  He will absolutely stop the fighting and pull all the battling factions together as soon as he slams back a cocktail and starts shooting off his mouth.  I guarantee, there will be peace in the Middle East as soon as they all join forces to hunt HIM.

AMANDA BYNES - MUG SHOT

AMANDA BYNES – MUG SHOT

AMANDA BYNES – This one is new on the scene, but has already been working overtime to secure a place right up there with Lindsay!  We just have to get this chick a gig in North Korea as chauffeur to Kim Jong-un.  Our problems there will be solved withn weeks.

NICK NOLTE - MUG SHOT

NICK NOLTE – MUG SHOT

NICK NOLTE – This one just needs to be named ambassador to everywhere.  Let’s keep flying him around from embassy to embassy on chartered jets stocked with Moonshine!  At each stop, we shuttle him off to an embassy and parade that mug around the front yard once or twice a day for a week. You’ll be able to watch the rebels scramble!  The only thing that scares a nut is someone who seems nuttier!

OJ SIMPSON –

OJ SIMPSON - MUG SHOT

OJ SIMPSON – MUG SHOT

This one needs to get put on Al-Qaida detail.  Let him use some of that fancy, running-through-the-airport footwork on that group of numb nuts.  He’ll have them so confused they won’t know who they’re mad at!  Can’t you see it?  “bin Laden?  No, that wasn’t us. Yeah, we got photos, but it wasn’t us…Yeah, we were there, but it wasn’t us.  What newly published books?  What you talkin’ about Willis?  If it don’t fit you must acquit.

FRED WILLARD

FRED WILLARD

…And finally, THE EVER CHARMING FRED WILLIARD – this is the guy who needs to be put in the game as a substitute for Joe Biden.  I’m not voting for Obama, but just in case the country screws up again and he gets re-elected, we deserve someone who is just as funny as Biden, just as willing to drop an “F-Bomb” on an open mike but is ALSO ready to whip out his winkie when he thinks no one is looking.  It’s the only way I’ll be able to take 4 more years of the current administration!  And what a blooper reel we’ll have to pass down to future generations!  After all, history is a f****** big deal!

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Steven Harp…Tough Guy?

STEVEN SLEEPING OFF CHEMO & MISSY SLEEPING BECAUSE THAT'S HER JOB!

STEVEN SLEEPING OFF CHEMO & MISSY SLEEPING BECAUSE THAT’S HER JOB!

When you take care of a loved one and stand by him through an illness that is as debilitating and, yes, humiliating as lymphoma, your relationship is strengthened in a way that supersedes all guidelines of your previous bond.  Wow!  Not only is that a mouthful, it sounds pretty highfalutin…so much so that you may think it’s crap!  Surprisingly though, it’s true.  Cancer treatment is debilitating, sometimes so energy sucking for sicko during the days following chemo, that other than short trips to the toilet for a quick barf, an entire week can pass in bed.  And the side effects of the chemo also bring on other bodily humiliations that I’m not going to revisit, other than saying that the barfing is one of the more pleasant aspects of side effects!

Sept. Lymphoma Awareness monthSo with that being said, I have to admit that in the 16 years since we married, Steven and I have forged incredibly honest and straightforward views of each other.  We’ve seen it all and done it all.  In addition to the lovey-dovey stuff, we’ve held each other’s hands during moments of fear, pain and humiliation.  We’ve rubbed medication on bodily areas usually only shown and used in porn and have been medically forced to have discussions in public places, WITH OTHERS, about things that can barely be whispered at home in the dark!  The result is that I know absolutely that we love each other.  No matter how crazy things seem, I’m still nuts about him!  Without question, I know he loves me, he lets me know everyday either through his actions or words.  So there is NO freakin’ need for him to blow smoke up my ass!  

Yesterday, while I was out walking with the dogs, I left him alone in the backyard with a pole saw, trash can and an overgrown wilderness of white bird of paradise trees, swaying walls of bamboo and enough bougainvillea to landscape the entire city of Savannah, Georgia.  What can I say?  My husband is an over-planter who sometimes has to pay for his addiction.  I’ve tried, but I can’t get him to space out the vegetation any more than I can get him to cut back on the number of new things he plants each spring.  So rather than wasting time trying to get him into a 12 step program, I have settled for 1 step.  “Get out there and prune that mess, Tarzan!  The dogs have no room to run!

BACK YARD LANDSCAPEWHITE BIRD TREES

When I got home with my two huffing and puffing girl dogs, I ran into a neighbor who followed me into my front yard to chat.  The girls and I were politely trying to make haste into the house to rehydrate before we passed out.  When out of nowhere, Steven appeared and joined in the conversation.  He immediately began blah, blah blah-ing to our neighbor about what a wonderful, patient, caring, loving wife I have been over the years.  As with any other wife reading this now, I’m sure the hair on the back of your neck is standing up just like mine was yesterday.  I know he could see that we needed a fast dose of air conditioning and ice water, yet he continued to ramble.  Something smelled rotten in Denmark…and it was so stinky that I could smell it in the front yard!  Steven happily and frequently declares his devotion to me in front of others, but it’s never out of the blue in a weird stalker-like way.  And THIS was weird…seriously weird!

The truth will set you free.  And the truth always comes out.  And Steven can’t sit on information for very long without cracking like an egg.  So mere seconds after blowing all that smoke up my ass, and while our neighbor was still present as a witness to anything that might follow, he was singing like a canary!  “I cut the internet cable…we have no internet…they’ll try to send an emergency guy out but we may have to wait until tomorrow.”  And…There it is!  It was finally out and I could feel the smoke stop blowing.
Bra holster firearmMy take away from this is amusing to me as I hope it will be to you, as well.  After all we have been through, after all we’ve weathered together, after all the seemingly close brushes with death where I held him close to give him hope…he’s still a little afraid of me!  How awesome is that?  What a great surprise.  We are equals, but with me being just a little more equal than him!  AHHHHH!  I still got it!  I can hear the angels singing!  

Steven is a strapping 6’6” hulk of a man who considers himself a “street fighter” when it comes to doing battle.  HIs hero is John Wayne and he’s not in touch with his “feminine side” because he doesn’t have one.  Although I know he’s a gentle giant, there are a LOT of people who find his imposing figure scary.  Yet he felt the need to take cover behind the retired school teacher across the street before fessing up to his oopsy!  I LOVE THAT!  And it makes me laugh!

CABLE GUYThe emergency repair man came at about 7 PM last night and put a bandaid on the slice. Steven has texted me from work a zillion times to check on me.  Maybe it’s because the power went to my head.  Even though I wasn’t upset about the internet line (we have iPhones, so I was still connected!) my newfound knowledge that I could still evoke fear in him had gone to my head.  As he was leaving for work I kissed him goodbye and softly whispered in his ear, “If AT&T doesn’t get this fixed permanently today, I’ll knee you so hard in the testicles that when you open your mouth you’ll have three uvulas.”  OMG, how horrible…how disgusting…how violent!  And how f-ing funny is that little visual. He laughed, I laughed and we kissed again, with me being happy to know that I STILL GOT IT!

To anyone who doesn’t understand, you haven’t been married, or married long enough.  To anyone who does understand, a marriage only works for the long haul if the partners are equal.  But every one who understands “equal” knows there is “equal” and “just a tad more equal”…and right now, today…THAT’S ME!  

And if this doesn’t make you smile…you can BITE ME!  Today, I’m smiling enough for all of us!
TEARS RUN DOWN MY LEG

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Use Your Inside Voice…The One Inside Your Head – Reduex

NOTE TO MY FAITHFUL READERS:  CANCER MAKES YOU CRAZY.  DON’T IGNORE IT, DON’T FIGHT IT AND DON’T BE EMBARRASSED BY IT!  JUST DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO TO FEEL BETTER!  ANTIDEPRESSANTS CAN BE YOUR FRIEND…AND DON’T LET PEOPLE JUDGE YOU BY YOUR FRIENDS!

APRIL 2012 CALENDAR.aspx copyThe lower portion of this post is one I wrote in mid-April of this year.  At the time, Steven was trying to be his own doctor.  And, since he aims high, the specialty he chose was Psychiatry.  He decided to take it upon himself to discontinue some of his meds, decrease dosages in others and in general, just mix it up enough to throw me into a tizzy.  At the time, he was under the (mistaken) impression that he didn’t really need any mood altering supplements because he felt so good.  Unfortunately, he didn’t think it through, and couldn’t see that the reason he felt so good was the mood altering supplements.  Hence, his desire to re-dose himself!  (FYI – his proclivity for doing this has something to do with MY need for mood altering drugs!)

And then I wrote this piece…and it hit the fan.  The post had his panties in such a wad that I deleted it because it caused him so much stress.  Hmmm?  Should that have been a clue?  I’m thinking it hit the nail on the head back then.  And since I’m about to re-post a deleted post, I’m thinking that nail has popped back out and needs hitting again, so hang on to your hats, kids…because Steven’s panties might be about to wad up again…and the ass-sucking that causes panty wadding could just effect the weather in your area!

WHERE'S WALDO?  WHERE'S MY CHECKBOOK? WHERE'S MY MARTINI?

WHERE’S WALDO? WHERE’S MY CHECKBOOK? WHERE’S MY MARTINI?

Recently, we reached that period of unemployment where money is getting really tight, our health insurance has been gone for 6 months now and after self paying for medical tests and a few office visits, it’s time to restock all the meds we smartly started to hoard when we knew my job and health insurance were in jeopardy.  Until yesterday, I had decided to pull a Steven and just discontinue one of the expensive depression meds that I have been taking since I realized that HIS cancer was making ME crazy.

However, yesterday was a turning point for me when I took a running dive into the basket portion of the phrase “basket case”.  Suddenly my stress was sooooo overwhelming that I couldn’t stop crying.  Luckily, I was in the office of the manager of my shrink’s practice when I cracked.  I was trying to work out the problems with fees and prescriptions when I went off the deep end, and Pat recognized my problem immediately.  So she did some quick calculations, miraculously found a credit on my account that almost covered the cost of a visit with the doc, and set me up with an appointment opening that just magically appeared, to see the man with the magic pill pad, for later on in the same day.  BTW, this doc also has a magic way of chatting that makes me realize I’m NOT crazy!

TEETERING ON THE EDGE

TEETERING ON THE EDGE

And once again, another one of our wonderful caregivers came to my rescue.  He talked me down off the ledge, prescribed me a newer drug that comes with free samples and company rebates as it gets introduced into the market, and more importantly turned on the light at the end of the tunnel.  Steven, on the other hand, is still on self imposed 1/4 doses of meds that he needs.  I know he still needs them because he’s been acting snippy…and I know snippy leads to bratty which leads to ass-hole-y.  So I’m re-posting this.  Take that, Mr. “I’m OK”!  And this time I’m not deleting the post….because you’re not…OK!  So here we go again.My post from April 2012:

voices in my head signUSE YOUR INSIDE VOICE…THE ONE INSIDE YOUR HEAD
Surviving cancer is awesome.  It’s a gift.  It’s a miracle. It’s a rebirth.  And just like any birth, there are always a few dirty diapers along the way!  This rebirth of which I speak  brings the relearning many of life’s lessons… Ahhh!  There’s the rub.  Because in many cases, some of those life lessons were never learned the first time around, so you can imagine how full my plate gets at times!  We’re talking Thanksgiving full!  Which is wonderful when you think of all the great things that come with Thanksgiving…and really uncomfortable when you think of the bloated, exhausted, gassy feeling that comes when you’ve eaten too much.

We’ve made many changes to the way we choose to live our lives now.  We try so hard to avoid stress and conflict.  But that simple act can backfire like an Edsel sometimes.  One of the biggest conundrums is Steven’s new found, and sometimes misguided, need to avoid bottled up feelings.  He was always pretty transparent in his feeling before the lymphoma.  Even when he kept his mouth shut, he has no poker face so it was easy to figure him out.  But now, his thoughts come spewing out like a champagne cork on New Year’s Eve whenever he feels stress.  And no matter how ill timed his diarrhea mouth might be, he stands by the reasoning that he does it for his health.  Then I get that bloated, exhausted, gassy feeling as I watch things crumble.

Somewhere in Steven’s youth, his parents were busy during the time they should have been teaching the finer points of social communication.  It’s not that he doesn’t communicate well, quite the contrary.  He sells commercial and residential real estate, he can talk, he can negotiate, he can make deals.  He can make deals with indiviuals, families, banks, and situations involving one lawyer, two lawyers or four lawyers.  In business, he’s the bomb.  He just never learned exactly when to use tact, when to use a gentle approach, when to use that soft ‘inside’ voice and when to just say it in his head and keep his mouth shut when it comes to non-business situations.  And that was before cancer.  Now he’s a ticking mouth bomb just waiting to go off!

RULES OF LEROY JETHRO GIBBS

RULES OF LEROY JETHRO GIBBS

So here’s the thing that cancer survivors need to know.  Just because you’ve gotten a second chance at life does not mean that you don’t have rules.  You still need to be polite in socially accepted ways.  You don’t need to bottle up feelings, but you don’t need to blurt either.  With this rebirth comes the relearning and it’s part of the deal.  You may have to learn to do things differently…or you MAY just have to learn the thing you missed the first time around.  But either way, there is a learning process and you don’t get a free pass just because you have or had cancer.  Suck it up tumor tykes, your “get out of jail free” card was the miracle of being granted another chance to live.  There is nothing on that card that says you get to live without rules. 

So this is my Rx prescription for all cancer patients who feel like stressful situations are building up toxins in your system.  Take a chill pill and then do what the rest of us do when Thanksgiving dinner comes to an end.  If you’re bloated, take a walk, get some exercise, at the very least, unbutton your pants and take a deep breath.  If you’re exhausted take a nap, rock out with your iPod or find some mindless task to lull you into a relaxed state.  And if you’re feeling like you’re going to explode, instead of blurting out something stupid to someone you love, just let a big one rip.  From what I understand, a fart is just God’s way of letting you get the shitty feeling out.  And once it dissipates, it’s over.  No harm, no foul.

PS – The original post was written after Steven went off on Alexis and Matt.  Sorry, kids!  The next self-prescribed dose change, Steven went off on Brandi.  Sorry, Brandi!  I don’t know who’s next…but I’m pretty sure it’s coming.  Sorry, World!

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I’D LOVE IT IF YOU SIGNED UP FOR MY E-MAILING LIST!  IT’S JUST YOU AND ME, BABY!  I DON’T SHARE MY TOP SECRET SUBSCRIBER LIST WITH ANYONE, SO YOU WON’T GET JUNK OR SPAM OR FOUND IF YOU’RE IN WITNESS PROTECTION!  I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW WHEN I POST A NEW ENTRY.  SUBSCRIBE HERE