I’m Not a Rocket Scientist But…

I’m not a rocket scientist but…I love that phrase.  I mean I REALLY love that phrase.  It’s the perfect way to introduce an idea that has a sarcastic undertone and a brilliant top note!  Yet, it has a humble flavor of self-deprication and the lingering aftertaste of irony, just like a fine wine, that lures you in and then kicks your butt.  

So…I’m not a rocket scientist but…Diana Nyad…have you been following that story?  I have because her name is one that I’ve heard throughout my entire life.  Probably because she’s just a little older than me, making her newsworthy for just about as long as I’ve been keeping up with the news!  For those of you who don’t get your headlines from Yahoo! LISTEN UP!  Diana Nyad is a swimmer, just a couple of wrinkles past her 60th birthday, who likes to beat records for open water distance swims.

ap_diana_nyad_jef_120821_wmainIn 1979, Nyad jumped into the clear, warm, azure waters off Bimini in the Bahamas, and swam to Florida.  Whatever…it’s an amazing feat, but seriously…why?  I’d rather jump on a cruise ship, take in the sea air for the first 7 miles and then high tail it down to the casino table to play blackjack until they either docked in Bimini a few hours later or ran out of Piña Coladas!  But, that’s just me.  

Nyad set the record for that route in 2 days of non-stop swimming, without a wetsuit.  And I’m guessing, without a Piña Colada either.  To each her own, and I respect Diana’s right to be a pioneer.  But pioneers are also people.  And people typically make themselves To Do Lists.  And once a human gets started on a To Do List, watch out.  Where swimming across an ocean may sound nuts, haven’t we all gone whack-wild on a To Do Project?  And if you’re thinking, “No” just remember back to the last time you made yourself clean out a closet…and before you realized it, you were washing the walls…with a Q-Tip…to get those corners really clean!  That, my friend, is a swim to Bimini! 

So blah, blah, blah Nyad.  She did lots of swimming.  In 1975, she swam around Manhattan Island in just under 8 hours, without getting caught up in the ropes connected to Jimmy Hoffa’s cement overshoes!  We get it.  She swims good.  But for some reason, Nyad got caught up on a Cuba to Florida swim on her To Do List that started  in 1978, and she just CAN’T git ‘er done, no matter how many proveribal Q-Tips she uses! Remember the old Judy Garland chant, “Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh, My!”  Nyad’s problem is “Hurricanes and Jellyfish and Sharks, Oh My!”

So, I’m not a rocket scientist but…what the hell?

thumbnail.aspxAlbert Einstein Quotes:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You gotta start thinking outside the box…or shark cage, Diana.  There are a few things going on here that aren’t going to work out for you unless you change your MO.  I want to see you do this.  I’ve been rooting for you since you were brave enough to jump into those syringe infested waters surrounding New York City.  But, seriously…let’s think this through!

I’m not a rocket scientist but…You moved to Florida when you were 7…you know what the weather is like.  I’m sorry your birthday falls smack dab in the middle of hurricane season! I’m sure you also got ripped off on good birthday parties as a kid becuase everyone was busy buying plywood and covering their windows!  But for cryin’ out loud, quit trying to swim the tropical waters of Cuba during the most dangerous time of the year.  Don’t you have another memorable date you can pick?  How about the day you published your first book, or the anniversary of your first speaking engagement gig…Hell use the first time you had a skin cancer spot removed.  Pick anything that’s not in July-September.  I’m not a rocket scientist, but that solves the strong current / bad seas problem.  And then just remember to hydrate.  I’m not a rocket scientist but if you keep drinking while you swim, you can make your own warm water!

facekiniI’m not a rocket scientist but…the jellyfish thing. Seriously? You don’t wear a wetsuit, I get it…that’s part of the record breaking thing.  But you wear swim goggles, right?  How come you don’t know about this Face-Kini thing that’s all the rage in China.  Apparently these things only cost about 2 bucks.  Chinese chicks are all over the beach with them so they don’t darken up their porcelain complexions. 

DIANA NYAD POST JELLY FISH SWIM

DIANA NYAD POST JELLY FISH SWIM

Why don’t you pick one up so the jelly fish don’t turn your face into hamburger each time you try to make the journey?

And lastly, the shark thing.  Still not a rocket scientist, but I am sarcastic enough to suggest that if you spend the 2 bucks on the face-kini, and keep peeing in the water,  you’ll scare the shit out of any sharks that cross your path.  And maybe, just maybe, you’ll make it next time.  I’m still rooting for you…standing on the beach…with a Piña Colada in one hand…and a Q-Tip bouquet in the other.  I’m not a rocket scientist but I sure know how to have a good time!  

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