Why Am I NOT Embarrassed?

PORTRAIT BY STEVEN HARP

PORTRAIT BY STEVEN HARP

Steven has probably taken a thousand photos of me over the years.  I’ve probably made him delete 975 of those photos.  He’s so good about getting rid of the ones that I don’t like, but he almost always disagrees about the elimination.  We just see different things in the photos.  He sees me smiling and enjoying whatever is going on at that moment in time.  I see the wrinkles or the goofy eye or the snaggle-tooth grin.  Delete it!  It’s in my contract.  I get final approval of all images of my likeness.   (PS – I’m using the chemo-brain card here.  There is no contract and I don’t get approval…he just thinks I do…so I suck…whatever!)

That being said, I find it amazing that I will ignore all rules of vanity myself…if it’s funny.  Because funny trumps vanity all the time.  Case in point, I had my hair cut a couple of weeks ago.  I have to say I didn’t clearly explain what I wanted, other than, “Make it just like last time”.  And since I had a photo of the last cut, I showed it and just moved on.  However, I did stop my fantastic hair artist so I could take a phone call, which normally I would never do.  So when we resumed, we were both a little disjointed.  The bottom line is that I ended up with a cut that was not exactly what I wanted, and even though it looked good when I left the salon, I couldn’t duplicate the look at home.  And since it’s too short, I have no choice but to wait for it to grow to change it.  Not the route I wanted to go.

114 A - Natural Lightest Golden BrownSo then I got frustrated.  And then I got stupid.  After almost a year of wearing my hair the color that comes out of my head, I decided that what this short cut needed was some color.  So I ran myself down to CVS and picked out a color I’ve never had before…Brown.  To be exact, it’s color 114A – Natural Lightest Golden Brown.  When I got home, I served Steven a healthy glass of red wine so he wouldn’t freak out and retired to the bathroom to work my magic.  I followed the directions precisely, with gloved hands and timer clicking away.  And when all was said and done, I had given myself the one thing Steven asked me not to do…RED HAIR!

IMG_0179Now this is the amazing part.  I didn’t cry, I didn’t fuss, I didn’t even get upset.  I wrapped a towel around me, took a photo of myself, texted it to Alexis and then posted it on Facebook.  All because I thought it was funny and in Alexandra’s world, funny trumps vain.  I will readily relive any embarrassing incident, as long as the funny factor is there.  I’m not sure if that makes me incredibly secure or amazingly off kilter.  But it does make me a funny addition to any dinner party, so I’ve got that going for me.

Which all leads to the little ditty that just crossed my mind this morning.  I was about to get into the shower when I had a thought.  But instead of acting, I turned off the shower, redressed and then acted.  Because I’m home alone, and naked me gets into the kind of trouble that deserves an audience.  Has that peaked your interest?  Then please join me in the NAKED world of Alexandra.

One morning when I was still employed, I was running a little late.  Steven had already left for his office and I was standing in my closet choosing my outfit for the day.  I had showered and was, as our narration begins, naked.  The slacks I was planning to wear were wrinkled, and since I was both alone and late, rather than donning a robe I just grabbed the pants and headed to the ironing board in the laundry room.  I planned to just do a quick steam job, never thinking that steam and naked are a deadly combination.  

A little droplet flew from the iron, which made me jump, which made the iron fall out of my hand and tumble toward my naked midriff.  I swatted the iron to avoid a branding and burnt my arm.  Not horrible, but enough that I knew it was going to bother me for a good long time.  Thinking quick, I jumped to aloe…it grows in our backyard and works like magic on burns.  So I grabbed a paring knife and headed out to the back yard…naked.  No big deal really, since the back yard has an eight foot fence for the dogs and giant White Bird of Paradise trees, Bougainvillea trellises and towering bamboo clumps growing all against the fence.  We can’t see our neighbors houses, which means they can’t see us.  So naked isn’t really a big deal.

I cut a large juicy piece of aloe and started paring off the thorny edges as I walked back inside.  What I forgot was that live, fresh aloe is as juicy as a kid’s runny nose, and about the same consistency!  And it kind of smells like ass.  I can’t really define the odor, but it’s not good, which makes it really appealing to dogs, as does anything that smells like ass.  Fresh aloe may work like a charm, but it’s pretty gross.  And as I was peeling and rubbing the aloe snot on my arm, it was also dripping down my torso, leg and through my fingers, leaving a trail on the kitchen floor.  So after my arm was addressed, I grabbed a paper towel to wipe up all the grossness on floor and me.  NAKED.

As that Seinfeld episode explains, there is a good naked and a bad naked.  Bending over to wipe a floor, even if you’re one of Hef’s girls next door, is always a bad naked.  And it’s worse when you have splotches of mucus-like aloe dripping off your thighs.  To the rescue…the creatures who like anything that smells like ass.  Before I could get the mess cleaned up, my lovely 4 legged assistants came rushing in to help.  They were licking the floor faster than I could wipe it, until one of them realized that I had aloe ON me.  I don’t know who went in for the motherload, but instead of securing a mouth full of aloe snot, an unexpected move by me left doggie dearest with a cold nose full of real ass…MINE!

Naked is naked and cold is cold and never the twain shall meet…without injury!  That cold nose surprised the hell out of me, which made me lurch…right into a snot spot of aloe…which was just like an oil slick.  Once I hit that patch, there was no traction to be had and I went sliding across the kitchen floor, face down and stopping only when my head finally met the base sink cabinet.   NAKED!

So here’s the thing.  I was burnt, covered with aloe snot, dizzy from the shot to the head, being mercilessly licked by my dogs and knowing that I now needed another shower which was going to make me even later for work…and all that upset me was that there was no one around to see me.  It was too funny…and I couldn’t get a photo myself…the dogs were too busy pigging out on aloe to take a photo…and no matter how embarrassing or inappropriate this little adventure had turned out to be, it was driving me mad that Steven wasn’t there to see it.

So why will I demand deletion of a photo that shows a few crows feet, but yearn for a naked photo of me sprawled out on the kitchen floor being accosted by dogs?  I guess it’s because in The World According to Alexandra, funny reigns supreme…and isn’t that lucky for you?  Happy Monday – the joke’s on me!

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