How do you make a hormone? Why are you asking me? But since you brought it up, let’s talk hormones,because I’m finding that I learn something new every day. And recently I’ve been reminded that everyone needs to be up to speed on hormones, whether you realize it or not. We all have ‘em…and we all act like ass wipes when they’re out of kilter. Think about any woman with PMS or menopausal symptoms, any seventh grade class…or anyone celebrating Spring Break in Daytona Beach! Ass wipes, one and all!
So let’s start easy. Here’s one most people have heard of: The Thyroid Gland. If it doesn’t secrete enough thyroid hormone, then you’ve got a problem. Your hair starts falling out, you have no energy, you gain weight and suffer a myriad of other symptoms which slowly appear. So you go to your doctor and he prescribes Synthroid. (“Syn” as in synonym..meaning “just like” and “throid” as in thyroid but missing a letter…I think they did that because users are missing some hormone.) Synthroid, you take it and the problem is solved. Easy-peasey, Right?
The reason I mention the thyroid thing is twofold. First, lots of people have thyroid problems so almost everyone has heard of it. And, since you just have to pop a pill to fix it, it’s way easy to understand. Secondly, and I knew this would get your attention, it uses the “roid” suffix, which just shouts “Uh-oh!! This could be serious!” So now that I’ve got you reading, let’s get a little more advanced.
Everyone who has to do time in the Cancer Community is familiar with the hormone known as serotonin. Most commonly we learn that cancer screws it up, no matter what side of the hospital gown you’re in. If you are on the inside of the windy jammies, meaning you have been the patient, the after effects of chemo, radiation, the cancer itself, or the stress of the whole damn mess, has knocked your seratonin levels WAAAAY out of whack. If you’re the care giver…well, ditto only you didn’t actually have to wear the butt bearing gown or experience all those things. Your seratonin is out of whack from dealing, worrying and paying for all those cancer related things. Now this is just my opinion but I think EVERYONE who has been personally touched by the big bad cancer wolf should seek counsel from a mental health professional. And, not the yenta down the street. A trained person, who can help you get over the war you’ve been fighting.
Moving on, seratonin regulates a mass of things in the body, but for most of us, it’s the happy hormone. And when it’s out of whack, you’re apt to find yourself curled up on the floor of your closet, in the dark, with a box of Kleenex and a bag of Oreos, crying and sputtering black and white crumbs into your shoes…or maybe that’s just me. Whatever, when your seratonin is screwed up, so are you. Enter: The Shrink. He, like the endocrinologist (thyroid doctor) prescribes a pill. You take the correct dosage and with luck, you’re back to normal…or the “new” normal as the docs like to call the aftermath.
Since I’m not a medical person…legally (Sidebar – I did mouth the words of the Chiropractic Oath under my breath when my sister graduated from Chiropractic School, so I like to think I’m an undercover Chiropractor) I like to break things down to the lowest common denominator. And I think I’ve done pretty well with Synthroid and seratonin. However, being kind of a doctor, I should have been hip to everything about another hormone, melatonin. Unless I use the excuse that my seratonin must have been fluctuating and I couldn’t remember all I needed to know. Because I just didn’t get that melatonin is a hormone…which is really kick in the ass for someone who is a wordsmith. For crying out loud, they have “a-tonin” in common. That’s like not figuring out that bitch and witch are the same kind of gal. Hell, the words have the “itch” right there to see and hear!But I digress, and we need to talk about melatonin, because it’s a Godsend! It makes you sleep…and sleep makes you heal, and healing makes you better, which makes you relax…which makes you sleep. Get it? When you’re levels of melatonin are off, you can’t sleep, which makes EVERYTHING worse. The good thing is that melatonin is cheap and easy to get. Health food stores, supermarkets, Walmart. Just look in the herbal supplements aisle and you’ll find it.
But before you open the bottle and swallow a handful, I have one thing to remind you. “A-TONIN”!!! It’s a HORMONE. Now go back to the first paragraph and re-read it so you don’t start acting like an ass wipe. Because too much melatonin means you’re adding too much of a hormone into your bedtime ritual. Trust me, you don’t want to do that! I’m speaking from experience when I say your dreams will SUCK! The characters in your dreams will be 7th graders with PMS performing Menopause, The Musical. And not in a good way!
I’ve been taking melatonin. One of Steven’s doctors prescribed it so he could stop taking the coma producing sleeping pills he was on. Melatonin works like a charm for him. The doc told him to take 10 mg. So I started taking 10 mg. Because it just comes from a health food store, right? Yeah, it does. It’s just a supplement here in the USA. It’s OK for everyone, right? Did you know that in other countries you need a prescription for it? I didn’t, either! But in retrospect…DUH!
Well 10 mg. might be right for my big strapping husband, but for me, not so much. I came to this revelationat 4 AM when I woke up sweating because I was dreaming that I was having a fist fight with a bouncer who was trying to throw me out of the topless bar, where I was having drink with my cocker spaniel Zack, who was wearing a turtleneck and drinking a beer out of a glass with our next door neighbor, Captain Crunch. And even though the dream didn’t seem that weird at the time, the thing that made me cognizant of the situation being problematic was that I got up to pee and thought, “I wonder why my pee smells like nail polish remover?”
And in a flash, Dr. Alexandra realized that it just might be the ‘A-TONIN’. So I grabbed my laptop and started doing research and realized that a fake chiropractor probably shouldn’t be determining dosages of hormones. And, before I take anything from the health food store, I have to remember to do a little research. After all, I still sniff the milk before I drink it. And I’ve only bought sour milk ONCE in my whole life.
Last night I had 1.5 mg and slept like a baby, dreaming of…well, nothing. Melatonin is great. And if you do research on it, it could possibly be a great help to cancer patients and survivors in many ways. Of course, since it is an OTC thing, nobody wants to make any promises, but I will tell you that none of our doctors are adverse to it. But mind your dosages if you don’t want to be groggy the following day, if you take blood pressure meds or if you get freaked out by strange dreams.
So in answer to the original question, “How do you make a hormone?” Don’t pay her!
Thank-you. Good night. Here all week.. Try the Veal……..
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