While this blog is still in it’s youth, I realize that now is the best time for me to come clean with any admissions. Why now? So I can share with you during this “dating” period. Soon, this post will be buried in the annals of blogdom, only remembered by you, my new friends. When subscriber numbers pick up, it will only be the detectives who will uncover our little secrets. This is honesty…with a built in escape hatch…which is, I imagine, a lot like internet dating!
So here it goes. I GET DEPRESSED. There it is. Out there for the world to see. I only mention it because I think it’s important to know that stuff bothers me. I think about it, mull it over, put a funny spin on it and then hock it into a blog post. But, just like the rest of humanity, I get bummed out, pissed off, caught up, and bent out of shape about many things. And until I’m ready to tie it up into an amusing little blurb and kvetch it out my keyboard, I’m kind of a sad sack! I hope that this little snippet makes one kindred spirit happy today. I don’t know who you are, but I imagine you’re feeling like I’ve been feeling lately. Down in the dumps and worrying about chest pains…which cause more worry…which cause more chest pains! I feel for you my friend!
The only reason I mention this is that people seem to have this image of me as being happy-go-lucky, positive and upbeat all the time. Obviously, those people have never seen me sitting on the sofa with a melting container of Ben & Jerry’s, wearing my Santa jammies and crying over an episode of So You Think You Can Dance! (I was rooting for Kirstie!) I’m sharing this because I think it’s important to remember that no matter how wonderful someone’s life seems to be, from the outside looking in, everyone has their problems. Raise your hand if you used to think Maria Shriver and the Govenator were the million dollar match, living in the lap of luxury with tons of money, lavish houses, happy kids, Hollywood parties and Martha’s Vineyard picnics! This week, I’m thinking my life is happier with the melted Chunky Monkey on my Santa jammies.
I worry about the world. People sure are screwing it up, aren’t they? It’s gotten to the point that there are SO many people that need the crap slapped out of them, that we can’t do it. I think we have reached a pinnacle, where there are more crappers than slappers. Then there’s the money thing. Who ever thought that the longer you worked, the less money you made. That was only supposed to happen to hookers who got ugly! When did all the rules get thrown out? I’m first in line when it comes to breaking rules, but if you don’t have any to break, where does that leave me? These, my friends, are some of the reasons I get depressed.
So here is what I do know. I can fake cheery. For years, no matter what was going on in my real life, I could leave it at the comic’s table in the back of the club, and by the time I walked up the aisle and stepped on stage, I was all “Hi, Howya doin’? Glad to be here”. Once you master that ability, you never forget it. I can choose when I pull it out of my little bag of tricks, but I absolutely know when I’m doing it. I’m sure that’s why people think I’m a barrel of laughs. Unfortunately, you can only wear that mask for a portion of each day. If you don’t take the mask off, your face breaks out like teenage acne on prom night, making both your skin and your brain look like a pizza with mushrooms!
I hate to take my mask off at home, and have poor Steven get stuck with the Alas, Alack, Alexandra, a sad sack of sorrowful slop. I wish I could dump that slop at work instead of on him because he doesn’t need the extra load and work is where the slop is usually generated! But, it all goes back to the world and the rules and the whole circular screwed up mess! So I keep it inside, hence the chest pains.
Recently a client complained, indicating that I’d been unpleasant, unprofessional, unacceptable and any other “un” word that would look bad in an e-mail. I absolutely know it’s untrue. When I’m being “un”something, I’m doing it on purpose and doing it in a big way. Since it was recent, I know I put my happy-freakin’-happy attitude on as soon as I saw the frowny face walking toward me. I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when someone’s been sucking a lemon, you have to add a little sugar right from the jump. So, when I go out of my way to put on that comedy club, happy-go-lucky, let’s have fun and make the best of it attitude, and I get dissed, what’s up (or “un”) with that?
Today, I decided it was one of those bad things gone good. Like the cancer that makes you appreciate life. Like leaving a job that opens a new career. Like getting out of a marriage that gets you in touch with your soul mate. Like being a sad sack for long enough to realize that nothing is really wrong.
From experience, I learned that when someone was hostile in a comedy club, it usually wasn’t me. That the chick in the front row didn’t dislike me. She didn’t like the guy she was with and didn’t want to be there. She was mad, and didn’t want to admit why, so, go ahead, blame it on me. I would bet that right now Maria Shriver wants to blame the housekeeper, the Republicans or the press for her mess, but it’s Arnie’s little Terminator and the Twins that’s the real problem. (FYI – Film buffs- I’m not talking about his movies)
I’ve been a sad sack for about a week, but I’m ending that tonight. I decided that I’m going to take my long weekend and have fun, relax, laugh a lot and remember all the good things that I do have. I’m lucky to be me and to have my sense of humor. I’m lucky to have Steven who has always kept his rocket in his pocket. I’m lucky because even if income is down, it’s not because I’m ugly. (Hooker call-back…thank you, here all week – Try the veal!) And most of all I’m lucky that I know why I feel bad, and I know I can stop.
As my last thought for today, May 26, 2011 – I’m thankful to be living in this great country, where men and women have fought to keep us safe and ensure our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And if that sounds corny to you, move to another blog. Part of my Memorial Day weekend is being thankful that I have this place to be free with my speech!
I’m spending my weekend in The World According to Alexanda! So, “Hi! Howya doin’? Glad to be here”!